Critical Thinking

I did some soul searching today, well actually a lot over the past year.  The concentration of it has only been the past few weeks.  I look back at my life over the past few years and I feel happy, but indifferent.  I have been graduated for 7 years.  I have my Associates degree, I am working on my Bachelors, and after I want to pursue my Masters.  Not exactly on the time scale I had in mind, but shit everything happens for a reason.  I think I finally realized I need to stop being the fish trying to swim up stream fighting the current and really just go with the fucking flow.  I fight to be heard, to be acknowledged.. maybe all for the wrong reasons.  I have this diluted idea of who I think I am vs. who I really am.  To be honest, the person I think I am sucks.  It is a combo of all of the qualities I think I need and want, yet I am the farthest away from who I am, inside.  My husband is probably the only person that really gets a constant glimpse of who I am, the happy me, and he gets a heavy does of the fucked up one too.  Which sucks.  He's a strong man<3.  I had a long conversation with my Aunt Lynn a week ago.  She said something that stuck. (and made me feel so much better). I feel like I'm in transition. From being a young kid to being a married woman that wants to have babies, watch them grow with my husband, and experience life.  "Those are the signs of a transition. Go with it. Don't fight it."  I'm very good at fighting things like that.  Learning to let go is easier said than done, but why fight it anymore.  I could choose to live my life wound tight as a fuck as the next person that is on the verge of breaking, or I could just let go. I could spend a lot of time evaluating who is this and who that is... but in the end I know I have an amazing husband, a strong as hell family, and some tight friendships.

Time to take a deep breath and jump :)



PS:  I made two crockpots of posole today... pix to follow